Fears

I've kind of overcoming my insecurities of being afraid to be judged, about being nervous on talking to people, on being afraid to have friends. I kind of being good at not giving a crap and suddenly things got better. But as every major point of my life, when something feel like its going up hill, I should get ready for the heavy down fall that will follow.

Usualy the down fall would just be me crying to my boyfriend and tell him how I feel worthless. But this time I'm afraid I will have some emptiness. I can feel it waiting for me right around the corner. After every social event or even small social interaction I'm feeling something's missing. I didn't left any of my things behind yet I feel something is missing.

I'm afraid to fill that emptiness I might do something crazy. Something inhumane. Something merciless. I'm getting so afraid because my brain starts to think that it's something I can be okay with. I don't know. Maybe I just need some vacation to just get recharged. I've been on too many social interaction lately, I'm kinda losing my self in it.

It strange when I'm alone, I'm just so negative so when I meet people I try my best to be positive. My positivity has always been limited. I only let it go when I think the moment is worthy. It's been too many unworthy interaction I wish I didn't get my self into.

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In other news, I watch a youtube video with Nina Moran in it and she was talking about her being on the business and the roller coster it came with. She said, she is the person that need to succeed and that fails are hard on her. Fails drags her down.

I think this is something very brave to be told to many. I don't always want to describe my self as I'm afraid to jinx it and make it the other way around. I never really want to tell anyone how ambitious I am, how competitive I am, how egocentric I am, etc etc. I don't want to say it because I think it would bring me some bad luck. But now that I think of it, it doesn't really matter on what I told people, the only thing matters is me being me, loving who I am, being honest to my self, and to make my self happy.

A setting bar I was always on searching is on what circumstances can I do things? Like, when should I hug? When should I congcratulate? When should I cry? When should I help? And so many other little things that I just couldn't really get my head around it. You know, social interactions. But the more I grow, the more I understand. It simply just do what makes me happy and not doing something I'm not happy with. It's as simple as that, although to execute is not as easy as it sounds.

I choose to be positive and I only want positive vibes around me. Bad vibe is dragging and I hate it. I told my honest opinion and I speak what I have in mind. I'm tired of holding it all in. I feel like I've been a time bomb and the explotion might happen somewhere around now.


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Mostly I'm just tired I guess. I'm tired of not having anything exciting happen in my life. I'm tired of not doing things I want to do because someone tell me that I can't. I'm tired of having negative aura from so many people. I'm tired of being a nobody. I'm tired of my self that haven't even reach any success on my quarter life. I'm tired of not being able to hold in my anger. I'm tired of being everything I don't want to be.

And now I wish I could just hug my significant other, just be quiet, and enjoying our shared silent to have our mind wander on its own.