Tiba-tiba terkena serangan mellow

Abis di tag video orang prewed sama si oneng, terus lagunya enak banget, sendu-sendu romantis, eh gue langsung baper. Abang lagi sibuk, lagi UAS ceunah, telponan jarang-jarang, telponan juga kasian liat mukanya stress. Semangat ya, Bang, bersusah-susah dahulu bersenang-senang kemudian.

Sebelom lanjut baca setel dulu videonya buat jadi background music.

Mellownya juga bukan cuma karena pasangan aja sih, tapi hidup secara general juga bikin mellow. Di saat perasaan telat dalam hidup. Telat menemukan apa yang gue mau, telat mengejar apa yang gue mau, telat mendapatkan apa yang gue mau. Lingkungan semua mendukung banget tapi kalo lagi ngebandingin diri sama yang udah mulai duluan jadi sedih gitu, kayanya ketinggalannya jauh banget. Sedih sih, tapi kalo diem doang juga ga akan membawa gue kemana-mana. Harus usaha semaksimal mungkin melakukan apa yang bisa dilakukan. Pernah baca, cobaan usaha sendiri itu ada di 3 tahun pertama. Gue harus sabar dan gigih menjalani susah senang di bidang yang baru gue fokusin ini. Harus serius ngejalaninnya dan fokus. Usaha gak akan membohongi hasil. Bagian gue untuk berusaha semaksimal yang gue bisa, rejeki udah ada yang di atas yang ngatur.

Holiday oh Holiday

Kayanya udah lamaaa banget dari terakhir kali gue liburan. Selalu gak pernah jadi karena temen-temen gue rata-rata pada anak kantoran yang bisanya weekend, yang mana lokasi wisata itu jadinya rame, sedangkan gue gak suka yang rame-rame. Sempet juga mikir, kayanya duit gue abis mulu, jadi ga ada dana untuk liburan, tapi kalo dipikir-pikir, duit gue itu abisnya lebih ke barang. Gue mengisi kekosongan hati ini dengan barang yang happynya paling cuman seminggu setelah dapet, abis itu kosong lagi. Gue juga ngerasa udah keluar duit banyak banget sih buat beli benda-benda makeup yang memang buat makeup kit gue sih, tapi udah kebanyakan aja gitu. Mau nabung aja, duitnya buat jalan-jalan. Kalo ga ada yang bisa nemenin yaudah jalan sendiri aja. Butuh banget diem, bengong, menikmati waktu tanpa dikejar deadline atau mikir bulan depan dapet job apa gak. Hahahaha. Maklum freelancer, kerjaannya gak pasti, walaupun gue yakin seyakin-yakinnya Tuhan udah kasih rejeki bagi setiap insan manusia yang ada di dunia, cuma namanya kita manusia kan punya rasa khawatir. Yang gue fokusin sekarang adalah untuk menyiapkan diri jadi begitu Tuhan kasih kesempatan gue bisa ngejalanin dengan baik.

Balik lagi ke liburan, sebenernya tujuan utama gue itu Malang, karena dingin dan banyak tujuan wisata yang bagus-bagus kaya Jatim Park, Batu Night Spectacular, dan lain-lain. Gue anaknya kan bertubuh besar, banyak lipatan lemak, kalo panas itu gengges banget gak nyaman. Makanya gue pengen banget ke Malang. Sebenernya dulu pas kuliah gue pernah main ke Batu, tapi waktu itu belom ada mainan-mainan seru kaya sekarang, atau mungkin gue yang gak tau, haha. Sekalian kalo udah kesana kan bisa main ke Bromo, gue belom pernah juga tuh. Pengen liat matahari terbit sambil minum teh anget sama makan cimol. 


must've got their name from the fact that we almost die everytime we have one. I have 60% of work that needs to be done in 2 days and here I am, writing blog post and eating while watching Keemikim King Crab Mukbang for her 2 years on youtube anniversary.

As I'm watching this, I ask my self on what I want to do with my life. I have goals I have not yet to achieve, but then again, what have I done to reach it? I kinda re-evaluate my life a lot in deadlines. I don't know why.

I'm thinking on how I could do better in working alone. I like creative work that needs my hands, that's why I love makeup as my medium. I don't really like the computer work, where I have to stuck alone with a laptop and just using mouse and keyboard to pour my ideas (except writing, of course). But deeper, I need pressure to kick me to go forward. It needs a strong will and persistent personality to boss yourself around. I can do this later, I can push it until tomorrow, bla bla bla, and the next thing I know, 2 months had passed. I need to work harder, I'm old and yet I have achieve nothing. Good job, me.

How can I miss you when I just met you? Maybe because...

You treat me like I want to be treated;
You love me like I want to be loved;
You give me feelings I want to feel;
You look at me like I'm your only source of happiness,
the look I want to see.

But, most importantly;
You did it without me ever saying a word on what I want.

Maybe I'm not the best, but at least I can try

"The finest souls are those who gulped pain and avoided making others taste it."

Have you ever been

In love with someone by their personality rather than their appearance? Girls usualy fall in love through their ears, but as a visual person I always prefer to fall in love through my eyes. In fact, I got blinded by visuals although all other aspects are just not up to par, but I stayed for what I liked to see.

I was looking for physical perfection although I know I'm not one, but meeting him changed my desire forever. I never knew that gentlemen are still exist in this kind of era. Well, at least not that I can find. I never knew I can be treated this nicely, this respectfully, yet still this lovingly. I never knew I could find a person that I can dive deep into his thought without me even trying. The way he speaks, the way he deliver his thoughts, it's far above my expectation. I didn't expect much to begin with, considering my past experiences, but he just blew my mind away.

It was a boring chit-chat until I asked him about movies and he gave me list of movies I loved already. Didn't take long for me to dig deeper, turning this boring chat into a decent conversation. We started to discuss a lot deeper about our interests. Seeing him talk so fast, so sure, and so dilligently about law, social, & politic, topics that I prefer to stay away but I like to hear what he has to say. He explained to me with very calm attitude and logical explanation, not just as a blind fanatic supporter. This is the first time that my ego agreed to listen and appreciate another person political view. I don't even understand why.

Seeing him for the first time didn't really sparked anything, but the moment he started to guide me through our first date, I let my self fell a little. Lonely nights turned into discussion forum for us. As we try to know each other more and more, the more I fell little by little. I love his personal views, as simple as how he prefer to have his shirt laundried in a separate place than the one he got for free because he prefers the cleaner wash and tidier ironing. I mean, how many man (that doesn't look like a metrosexual) who has this kind of preference?

I love how everytime we discuss things, he likes to ask my thoughts before telling me his and he draw the conclusion with both of our thoughts in it. And he did it with straight face, like this is how he do it every day. The first sentence he got me was, "Gatau itu bukan jawaban. Kamu udah bisa mengeluarkan pernyataan pasti ada alesan di baliknya." Man, this is exactly my kind of thinking, word by word. On that moment, he got my heart.

I know what I have here is so fast, so early, but love just seeps through. The future is always a blur with my preference but for now, I can clearly say that I am happy. :)

After A Heart Break

My brain shut down, I panicked, I lost all my trust, my love, my dream, my strength, my certainty, and my hope, all in one single moment. It's hard for me, to have all the positivity I have in life taken away altogether.

I tried to cheer up, I tried to throw all the pain away. I thought it worked until my body told me I'm not. I'm not okay, my mind's not okay, my body's not okay. Took me over a month to get my period, sixth day in and I'm still bleeding like it's the first. I read a few articles, the only cause I can relate my self into is the stress. I'm in stress and I'm trying to hide it all away.

I'm quite a close person, I don't really let a lot of people to come in and know all of my weakness. When the only person I show my self completely just went away and become a stranger, I've become vulnarable more than I've ever been. I was ready to throw everything away to be with him, but apparently, he wasn't. It got me to think, to wish rather, to find a man who loves me more than I love him.

I feel empty and lonely, my hearts try to wander and find a new place to stay but I haven't found one. People say the best cure for a broken heart is a new love, but I couldn't move on until my heart's at peace.

I always wondered, why people whose ever been in love always craving for another one when they got single again? You've spent a lot of time being alone, did everything by yourself, why with all the rush to find a new one? Well, I understand it now. To be in love, to feel loved is something addicting. To have someone cares for you, someone to catch you when you fall, someone to lift you up when you hit rock bottom. It's more on the moral support from someone who owns you but at the same time pushing you to flourish and be your own person.

I lost in this game called love. If by any chance you're reading this post, you know who you are, you win. You win my heart, your winning to destroy it and made me miserable, your winning to be the happier half of us, you win in this game of love. I hope you're happy.

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