must've got their name from the fact that we almost die everytime we have one. I have 60% of work that needs to be done in 2 days and here I am, writing blog post and eating while watching Keemikim King Crab Mukbang for her 2 years on youtube anniversary.

As I'm watching this, I ask my self on what I want to do with my life. I have goals I have not yet to achieve, but then again, what have I done to reach it? I kinda re-evaluate my life a lot in deadlines. I don't know why.

I'm thinking on how I could do better in working alone. I like creative work that needs my hands, that's why I love makeup as my medium. I don't really like the computer work, where I have to stuck alone with a laptop and just using mouse and keyboard to pour my ideas (except writing, of course). But deeper, I need pressure to kick me to go forward. It needs a strong will and persistent personality to boss yourself around. I can do this later, I can push it until tomorrow, bla bla bla, and the next thing I know, 2 months had passed. I need to work harder, I'm old and yet I have achieve nothing. Good job, me.

How can I miss you when I just met you? Maybe because...

You treat me like I want to be treated;
You love me like I want to be loved;
You give me feelings I want to feel;
You look at me like I'm your only source of happiness,
the look I want to see.

But, most importantly;
You did it without me ever saying a word on what I want.

Maybe I'm not the best, but at least I can try

"The finest souls are those who gulped pain and avoided making others taste it."

Have you ever been

In love with someone by their personality rather than their appearance? Girls usualy fall in love through their ears, but as a visual person I always prefer to fall in love through my eyes. In fact, I got blinded by visuals although all other aspects are just not up to par, but I stayed for what I liked to see.

I was looking for physical perfection although I know I'm not one, but meeting him changed my desire forever. I never knew that gentlemen are still exist in this kind of era. Well, at least not that I can find. I never knew I can be treated this nicely, this respectfully, yet still this lovingly. I never knew I could find a person that I can dive deep into his thought without me even trying. The way he speaks, the way he deliver his thoughts, it's far above my expectation. I didn't expect much to begin with, considering my past experiences, but he just blew my mind away.

It was a boring chit-chat until I asked him about movies and he gave me list of movies I loved already. Didn't take long for me to dig deeper, turning this boring chat into a decent conversation. We started to discuss a lot deeper about our interests. Seeing him talk so fast, so sure, and so dilligently about law, social, & politic, topics that I prefer to stay away but I like to hear what he has to say. He explained to me with very calm attitude and logical explanation, not just as a blind fanatic supporter. This is the first time that my ego agreed to listen and appreciate another person political view. I don't even understand why.

Seeing him for the first time didn't really sparked anything, but the moment he started to guide me through our first date, I let my self fell a little. Lonely nights turned into discussion forum for us. As we try to know each other more and more, the more I fell little by little. I love his personal views, as simple as how he prefer to have his shirt laundried in a separate place than the one he got for free because he prefers the cleaner wash and tidier ironing. I mean, how many man (that doesn't look like a metrosexual) who has this kind of preference?

I love how everytime we discuss things, he likes to ask my thoughts before telling me his and he draw the conclusion with both of our thoughts in it. And he did it with straight face, like this is how he do it every day. The first sentence he got me was, "Gatau itu bukan jawaban. Kamu udah bisa mengeluarkan pernyataan pasti ada alesan di baliknya." Man, this is exactly my kind of thinking, word by word. On that moment, he got my heart.

I know what I have here is so fast, so early, but love just seeps through. The future is always a blur with my preference but for now, I can clearly say that I am happy. :)

After A Heart Break

My brain shut down, I panicked, I lost all my trust, my love, my dream, my strength, my certainty, and my hope, all in one single moment. It's hard for me, to have all the positivity I have in life taken away altogether.

I tried to cheer up, I tried to throw all the pain away. I thought it worked until my body told me I'm not. I'm not okay, my mind's not okay, my body's not okay. Took me over a month to get my period, sixth day in and I'm still bleeding like it's the first. I read a few articles, the only cause I can relate my self into is the stress. I'm in stress and I'm trying to hide it all away.

I'm quite a close person, I don't really let a lot of people to come in and know all of my weakness. When the only person I show my self completely just went away and become a stranger, I've become vulnarable more than I've ever been. I was ready to throw everything away to be with him, but apparently, he wasn't. It got me to think, to wish rather, to find a man who loves me more than I love him.

I feel empty and lonely, my hearts try to wander and find a new place to stay but I haven't found one. People say the best cure for a broken heart is a new love, but I couldn't move on until my heart's at peace.

I always wondered, why people whose ever been in love always craving for another one when they got single again? You've spent a lot of time being alone, did everything by yourself, why with all the rush to find a new one? Well, I understand it now. To be in love, to feel loved is something addicting. To have someone cares for you, someone to catch you when you fall, someone to lift you up when you hit rock bottom. It's more on the moral support from someone who owns you but at the same time pushing you to flourish and be your own person.

I lost in this game called love. If by any chance you're reading this post, you know who you are, you win. You win my heart, your winning to destroy it and made me miserable, your winning to be the happier half of us, you win in this game of love. I hope you're happy.


Is it weird or hopelessly romantic if I say, one of my goals in life is to die peacefully in my sleep while being held by the love of my life?

Midnight Realization

Been reading Ka Fifi's blog for a week every night. Tonight I stumbled upon a post about Idul Adha and there's pictures of her family doing shalat, a moslem form of prayer. It's not a rare topic on her blog but tonight I just realized that I will be doing that soon. Time does fly so fast, it seems just like yesterday my mom asked me if I would convert to Islam because I finally have a boyfriend and he's a moslem. I said to my mom to not think about it that far, I was just two weeks into my relationship and I didn't know what would happen. I always say to my friend with the same question, I would voluntarily convert if he's serious. That means, if he is actually tying the knot for us. The day that I never knew when, came out of no where. We got both of our parents blessings, which put happy tears in my eyes. Before the blessings, every time I think about our future, about our relationship, it was always sad tears. I didn't know what my parents would say about us and I'm so scared to ask.

It was all came just like that, I feel like my way had been cleared and I can walk so easily with my plan on hand. I always know that God is good. He always give us the right way for those who are willing to surrender and act based on His plan. And I believe having the faith on anything we want to do, as long as it's a good thing, will lead us the right way to achieve it. Can't wait for the day to come. :)

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