Bonne Nuit

I always love to drive at night. There's something feels so peaceful while doing it. I guess it's for the fact that the darkness kinda hide my self more from other people's eye. I find that darkness always brings the true me out. My muscles seems more relaxed. My anxiety suddenly dissapear and gone with the wind. 

I'm the kind of people who likes to act based on people around me. This is how I cope with my social anxiety but another problem appears when I met different group of people that I treat differently. Now that's another problem. 

After quite a moment on my long way home today, I realized that darkness is letting us to spot and highlight truly what we want to show. Like all those wispy christmas lights on december, or that spotlight for all of the great angel statues on rose gardens, or maybe just the way we put lamps on our porch close to the door so anyone knows where to enter.

That's it. That's why I love darkness so much. I like the freedom it gives me to truly highlight what I want to show to people. I'm an introvert at heart. I don't just get close with someone like that. It took years for me to truly let someone to see the real me and when I gave one or two person to get that privilege, I feel enough. I stick to what I've got and I don't feel the need to let anybody else to get to know me that deep. 

I overthink too much. I let my negative mind consuming my energy to create. I often let the bad guy win. That bad guy took over my confidence on doing anything. With the lights all on, even though it's not spotting on me, I feel like I should be perfect when I know I'm not. I realize I'm not but my brain just told me to. I feel awkward and insecure, my brain constantly think about how I would fail but not about how I could win. 

By being in the dark, I loose all those heavy threads that's pulling me down. I feel free and alive, I feel like in my comfort zone. Is it weird if I say that I feel more comfortable to be the on the spotlight in the dark rather than being light washed evenly on the day light? I'm about all or nothing. Either I am the center of attention or nothing at all. 

I love how life is simple on action but has so many deep hidden meaning behind, waiting for us to have a moment of realization to understand it. For mine it's my lonely and secluded self on the way back home, driving on the highway with a loud bursting sad or love song playing on the radio. I hope you found yours, too. Bonne nuit.