Midnight Wanders

Sometimes I as a young woman, find it hard to put a pin point about my feeling. I want all sort of different things and trying as hard as I can to maintain the image of what I have in my clustered mind. Same goes for people I surround my self with, I put up hopes & expectations for them to be what I want instead of accepting who they are. Last time I was bummed and thought that the worst would come because of my stupidity, I think somewhat clearer. I create problems by hating of what others don't have instead of focusing on what they are. Once I realized that, everything seems happier, I feel happier about my self, I feel happier about my life, I feel happier about my relationship, I feel happier in general. Feels like one invisible mental burden has been lifted up from my shoulder. I spend time thinking about what other people might think, what others will judge, but then I thought to my self, I'm the one doing it, anything bad or good will be my consequences, I'm...

I deeply believe that everyone has their own bit of depression. Some can shove it in and never letting it consume them, while some others can't help to contain. I would say I'm right in the middle. Sometimes I can just forget it and do things the way I like it, or some other times I just can't helped to be be affected by it, like it or not. I feel a lot more depressed when things don't go the way I wanted to, I'm a perfectionist so when I decided to do something, I want the best outcome. But you know life doesn't go that way, you always have take turns and side tracks to reach your main goal. I'm not in a good place to say, I wanted it to be when I started all this, but what can I say. Being lost in my own journey, hating my self for not being the best that I can be, cursing my self for being like this, I'm broken. Not broken enough to be super kind to everybody, but I'm in the phase of I'm broken and I want to bring everyone else down with ...