Midnight Wanders

Minggu ini sebenernya lagi mau libur aja, karena minggu kemarin bener-bener full yang sampe tidur aja di pesawat/kereta/mobil. Bersyukur banget bisa dipercaya kerjaannya sampe bisa punya jadwal yang padet kayak gitu. Tapi badan gak bisa dibohongin ya, tsay , sempet nge drop demam badan ngilu-ngilu dan panas dingin. Untungnya setelah minum obat udah sehat lagi tapi masih banyak sisa capek yang belum kelar. Harusnya mulai kerja lagi itu tanggal 5 tapi ternyata besok ada kerjaan dadakan. Pas lagi ngitung-ngitung setelah dikurangi pengeluaran lain-lain, terus kaget karena kerja sehari bisa dapet UMR. Terus kayak kaget aja, ngerasa bersyukur banget dan ngerasa Tuhan baik banget ngebimbing gue untuk ada di posisi ini. Terus sambil masak juga kepikiran, dulu waktu masih pacaran gue bilang sama suami kalau pas nikah itu maunya punya joint income sekian, dan sekarang setelah 6 bulan menikah, Puji Tuhan dikasihnya lebih dari itu. Padahal dari waktu ngomong sampe sadar itu jaraknya udah sekitar...

Can't believe with all my ups & downs in life and in love, I finally am a married woman. Mehehehehe. My wedding day was perfect, but one major variable flopped but that's for another story. After a week of living separately after we were blessed, finally we can live together under one roof. It was because of the weird room function situation at my husband's house where he slept with his father and there's no other room that we can occupy as ours, so I decided to sleep in my house until his father can be moved to his brother's house (which also another story why it took so long) or else, we have to sleep together all in one room. I have done it many times before when I had sleepover at his house & I was fine with it. But to fully live in a space, I will need my privacy and I need my space. Anyway, now we've moved in together, I feel so peaceful since his house is located inside a cluster, where my parent's house was in front of a busy road where I can...

Kan gue jarang ya bacain blog ini, karena pas dateng kesini cuman ketika lagi galau dan butuh tempat buat merekam kegalauan gue. Terus barusan baca post soal yang decision, itu gue ngomongin lagi mau delegasiin tugas supaya gue bisa berkembang lebih besar lagi. Akhirnya gue udah hire orang yang gue percaya untuk jadi booker gue! Dan itu hal yang sangat membahagiakan sekali, bener-bener melegakan sebagian space di otak gue jadi gue punya ruang untuk mikir hal lain lagi. Ya awalnya kaget karena kan jadi ada another fixed cost yang harus gue bayarkan setiap bulan, mana juga abis hire orang eh kena PPKM kan, sempet galau gimana itu mau bayarnya, pemasukan aja kurang. Cuman gue pikir, udahlah tetep bayar full aja selama gue masih bisa bayar, kalo emang udah rejekinya dia dari kita, rejeki kita juga gak akan kemana. Gue jadi berpikir gimana cara gue untuk bisa mendelegasikan tugas gue di bisnis gue yang satu lagi biar bisa jalan lebih lancar dan lebih baik lagi. Cuman gue kalo mikir kan eman...

Dua-duanya ini menghasilkan rasa yang sama gitu kan di dada. Semacam ada rasa cemas yang gak enak, bikin mau ngapa-ngapain rasa hati jadi gak tenang. Perasaan ini muncul setiap kali jadwal lagi lumayan padet dan gue tau waktu istirahat gue gak akan cukup di masa-masa kesibukan itu. Seneng sih karena banyak yang percaya sampe di book terus, tapi karena tau istirahatnya akan kurang jadi takut nanti gak bisa kasih yang maksimal malah mengecewakan yang udah percaya. Ditambah setelah kena covid badan gue jadi belom bener-bener sehat lagi kan, gampang capek terus kalo kecapekan di PCR malah keluarnya positif lagi. Jadi buat gue ang overthinkingan anaknya kapanpun dimanapun ini bikin gue makin panikan lagi. Nah kalo yang kali ini campur aduk, karena nanti sabtu berangkat dan minggunya pulang dari Makassar, hari seninnya ada syuting lagi di bogor yang standbynya dari pagi sekitar jam 6 yang berarti jalan dari rumah jam 4 pagi dan standby sampe tengah malam terus pulang lagi perjalanan 2 jam, k...

 A driver of a family member just dropped off things at my house and the driver was just so friendly and communicative. Thought about that and I make an assumption that he has been with the family for so long that he just felt comfortable around everyone just like another family member. I don't have any kind of service helpers in my house, not maid, not a driver, not a gerdener, we do things by ourselves. Then it just came to my mind about having such big home that I will require help of any kind. I imagined about having loyal people to work in my house and be able to treat them like family. I also been thinking about having a booker because I cannot afford a manager at this point, I have a person in mind but I'm just too lazy to do all the talking and briefings, but I've been overwhelmed with the administrative things that I have to do to run my business. I'm really thinking of expanding my services by opening classes and having teams all together. It should start some...

Fell in love with you was easy, didn't even have to think for a sec. But I learned from the past couple of years we've been together, that loving you is not as easy as it sounds. As any couple out there, all the firsts were beautiful. We dropped everything for each other, but as time goes by, duties and responsibilities also grew slowly but steadily. I've been too focused with the problem and I kinda forgot how to love you. It came to my realization after our fight, well, more of me getting upset with you, I just felt like crying and I didn't know why. You asked me and I didn't even have any answer, all I knew was I just don't want to fight anymore. Then I realized, I fought the problems so hard, I forgot to love you. I felt bad because I know all while I focused on the problem you always loved me like the first time, never have I felt you have any anger or hate towards me. Thank you for always be there for me even when I'm not in my best. Thank you for lovi...

Lagi ada waktu bener-bener libur seminggu setelah pekerjaan kembali normal setelah kehadiran corona, akhirnya nonton Netflix dan ketemu dokumenter soal Elisa Lam di Cecil Hotel. Setelah nonton di Youtube, karena yang di Netflix kelamaan dan bertele-tele, intinya si Elisa ini memang mengalami depresi dan bipolar. Memang pas gue lagi nonton footage yang di Netflix itu pas dia di dalem lift sendirian, gue entah kenapa gak merasa dia aneh, karena gue juga suka ngelakuin hal gak jelas tanpa alasan kalo lagi sendirian. Terus nontonlah di Youtube yang nyeritain soal penyakitnya dan emang itu masuk akal banget. Intinya dia lagi ada kurang minum obat yang bikin dia jadi halusinasi ditambah dia memang suicidal . RIP Elisa. Nah yang gue merasa relate dengan si Elisa ini adalah, dia suka nulis untuk meringankan depresinya. Ketika denger itu gue mikir, iya sih dari dulu gue kalo udah stress gitu kebanyakan overthinking buat hal-hal gak penting, larinya pasti ke nulis. Setelah gue pikir-pikir, gue i...

Kita hidup itu, arah dan tujuannya gak ada yang tau. Kita bisa punya tujuan, tapi selama di perjalanan gak ada yang tau kemana angin bakal mengarahkan layar. Sama kaya hidup gue sekarang, gue ngerasa kemarin-kemarin gue udah punya arah tujuan, udah PD dengan kemana hidup mengarah, tapi sekarang gue berasa kapal gue lagi abis bensinnya, robek layarnya, diem aja di tengah laut gatau mau kemana. Impian tuh rasanya jadi kaya pengharapan untuk ketemu ada kapal lain yang lewat buat menyelamatkan atau ketemu pulau untuk bersinggah. Sekarang yang gue punya cuma dua dayung kecil buat gue mengayuh, mencoba membawa diri ke arah yang terbaik. Hidup gue sebelumnya itu ibarat lagi lari ngejar mimpi, tapi sekarang I'm just barely surviving. Bener-bener hilang arah dan tujuan. Kadang suka sebel, kenapa ya gue orangnya kaya gini, suka galau. Hahahaha. Terus kemarin sempet liat ada yang nulis di instastory, 'Tough times don't last, but tough people do". Gue mau jadi orang kuat, gue...

I was given the very thing I was always asking for. Love. As cheesy as it gets, that's just how life works. You can ask all your life, but God will give what you need in the time you're ready, not when you want it. Gue minta berkali-kali, doa berkali-kali, minta Tuhan kasih apa yang gue mau, Tuhan kasih, tapi akhirnya gue sendiri juga yang merasa yang gue mau gak bikin gue bahagia, gak bikin gue berhenti mencari. Gue malah mikir, bener gak sih apa yang gue minta? Dikasih sih, tapi kok gue merasa bukan ini yang gue mau. Akhirnya berserah dan let Jesus took the wheel , gak sampe gue sempet mikir tau-tau mau dikenalin sama orang dari temen yang juga jarang banget ketemu, tau ya gitu-gitu aja. Orangnya yang mau dikenalin juga bukan selera gue, tapi yaudah ngobrol dulu aja. Anehnya pas ngobrol langsung nyambung aja gitu, ngobrol sampe 2-3 jam gak berasa. Sampe 2 minggu intens banget telfonan, ngobrol, ketemu. Pas ditanya sama yang ngenalin, ada getaran gak? Gue bingung jaw...

Leaving someone who loves you unconditionally for someone you know will make no effort to be in your life forever. Chasing someone for a brief happiness when you already know it would not be for a long time. Getting into a complicated relationship when you already know the end of it Having feeling towards a person you know you can't have Being deeply dissapointed over something you know is coming from the first time you met A period of learning before you know what you want and what's best in your life.

Sometimes I as a young woman, find it hard to put a pin point about my feeling. I want all sort of different things and trying as hard as I can to maintain the image of what I have in my clustered mind. Same goes for people I surround my self with, I put up hopes & expectations for them to be what I want instead of accepting who they are. Last time I was bummed and thought that the worst would come because of my stupidity, I think somewhat clearer. I create problems by hating of what others don't have instead of focusing on what they are. Once I realized that, everything seems happier, I feel happier about my self, I feel happier about my life, I feel happier about my relationship, I feel happier in general. Feels like one invisible mental burden has been lifted up from my shoulder. I spend time thinking about what other people might think, what others will judge, but then I thought to my self, I'm the one doing it, anything bad or good will be my consequences, I'm...

I deeply believe that everyone has their own bit of depression. Some can shove it in and never letting it consume them, while some others can't help to contain. I would say I'm right in the middle. Sometimes I can just forget it and do things the way I like it, or some other times I just can't helped to be be affected by it, like it or not. I feel a lot more depressed when things don't go the way I wanted to, I'm a perfectionist so when I decided to do something, I want the best outcome. But you know life doesn't go that way, you always have take turns and side tracks to reach your main goal. I'm not in a good place to say, I wanted it to be when I started all this, but what can I say. Being lost in my own journey, hating my self for not being the best that I can be, cursing my self for being like this, I'm broken. Not broken enough to be super kind to everybody, but I'm in the phase of I'm broken and I want to bring everyone else down with ...

Straight to the point, I'm in a moment of not knowing what I should do with my life. I'm in a point where I just think that everything I want would not be achieved and having everybody around me thinks that I do nothing just makes it worst. I know other people opinion doesn't matter, but I'm not in a good place right now and everything just seems wrong. I'm jealous with other people who seem to reach their dreams without even trying that hard, I'm jealous of people who just seem like they have smooth ways on getting where they are.  I'm jealous but I don't hate them, I hate my self. I hate my stupid brain of not knowing what to do. Looking around, everyone just know what they want to do, they decided to do it and they get what they want. I damned my self, I damned my life, I damned my fate, I damned my indecisiveness, I damned my skill, I damned my thoughts, I damned everything. Well, to be not that ungrateful, I do feel His blessings on me alri...

Have you ever heard about the tendency of us mimicking the person we're talking to, or we're seeing when we're attracted to them? I've read that quote a lot of time but never really think that it's real. I never realized I've done it my self if he never point that out to me. He said, "Kamu aku perhatiin banyak ngikutin yang aku lakuin." and after he said it, I just fully realized that I am. Maybe because I like him so in my subconcious mind I try to be like him. Like if we watch a beauty tutorial and we love the finished results, we're most likely will follow the steps to achieve the look we see. As in personal relationship, either with friends or significant others, I think it's one form of flattery anyone can give because most of people do it also in their subconcious mind. So if you see a person mimicking, following, re-doing your traits or habits, you should feel proud with yourself, cause they want to do it just like you. 

Satu bulan yang sepi, banyak waktu yang tersedia untuk berpikir dan berbicara kepada diri sendiri. Kegundahan dan rasa galau yang wara-wiri sebelumnya berkumpul dan berdiskusi. "Aku sayang dia", ku ucap pada diri sendiri. "Aku ingin menikah", pikirku lagi. Ku timang-timang berbagai alasan pro dan kontra cukup lama sampai ku putuskan untuk tidak menjadi egois. Tujuanku sekarang adalah mencari pasangan yang serius, yang artinya jika aku ingin semua berjalan lancar aku harus mencari yang juga bisa diterima oleh kedua orang tuaku. Syarat utama, syarat yang mutlak, harus juga sama-sama keturunan chinese . Memang satu ras juga belum tentu artinya hubungan dapat berjalan lancar dan baik, tetapi hal itu dianggap bisa meminimalisir miskomunikasi yang terjadi karena pola pikir dan kebiasaannya sedari kecil kurang lebih mirip. Bagi yang sudah mengenalku sedari lama pasti tau, aku tidak memiliki rasa ketertarikan dalam menjalin hubungan asmara dengan sesama chinese . Entah...

Abis di tag video orang prewed sama si oneng, terus lagunya enak banget, sendu-sendu romantis, eh gue langsung baper. Abang lagi sibuk, lagi UAS ceunah, telponan jarang-jarang, telponan juga kasian liat mukanya stress. Semangat ya, Bang, bersusah-susah dahulu bersenang-senang kemudian. Sebelom lanjut baca setel dulu videonya buat jadi background music . Mellow nya juga bukan cuma karena pasangan aja sih, tapi hidup secara general juga bikin mellow . Di saat perasaan telat dalam hidup. Telat menemukan apa yang gue mau, telat mengejar apa yang gue mau, telat mendapatkan apa yang gue mau. Lingkungan semua mendukung banget tapi kalo lagi ngebandingin diri sama yang udah mulai duluan jadi sedih gitu, kayanya ketinggalannya jauh banget. Sedih sih, tapi kalo diem doang juga ga akan membawa gue kemana-mana. Harus usaha semaksimal mungkin melakukan apa yang bisa dilakukan. Pernah baca, cobaan usaha sendiri itu ada di 3 tahun pertama. Gue harus sabar dan gigih menjalani susah senang...

Kayanya udah lamaaa banget dari terakhir kali gue liburan. Selalu gak pernah jadi karena temen-temen gue rata-rata pada anak kantoran yang bisanya weekend, yang mana lokasi wisata itu jadinya rame, sedangkan gue gak suka yang rame-rame. Sempet juga mikir, kayanya duit gue abis mulu, jadi ga ada dana untuk liburan, tapi kalo dipikir-pikir, duit gue itu abisnya lebih ke barang. Gue mengisi kekosongan hati ini dengan barang yang happynya paling cuman seminggu setelah dapet, abis itu kosong lagi. Gue juga ngerasa udah keluar duit banyak banget sih buat beli benda-benda makeup yang memang buat makeup kit gue sih, tapi udah kebanyakan aja gitu. Mau nabung aja, duitnya buat jalan-jalan. Kalo ga ada yang bisa nemenin yaudah jalan sendiri aja. Butuh banget diem, bengong, menikmati waktu tanpa dikejar deadline atau mikir bulan depan dapet job apa gak. Hahahaha. Maklum freelancer, kerjaannya gak pasti, walaupun gue yakin seyakin-yakinnya Tuhan udah kasih rejeki bagi setiap insan manusia yang ada...

must've got their name from the fact that we almost die everytime we have one. I have 60% of work that needs to be done in 2 days and here I am, writing blog post and eating while watching Keemikim King Crab Mukbang for her 2 years on youtube anniversary. As I'm watching this, I ask my self on what I want to do with my life. I have goals I have not yet to achieve, but then again, what have I done to reach it? I kinda re-evaluate my life a lot in deadlines. I don't know why. I'm thinking on how I could do better in working alone. I like creative work that needs my hands, that's why I love makeup as my medium. I don't really like the computer work, where I have to stuck alone with a laptop and just using mouse and keyboard to pour my ideas (except writing, of course). But deeper, I need pressure to kick me to go forward. It needs a strong will and persistent personality to boss yourself around. I can do this later, I can push it until tomorrow, bla bla bl...

You treat me like I want to be treated; You love me like I want to be loved; You give me feelings I want to feel; You look at me like I'm your only source of happiness, the look I want to see. But, most importantly; You did it without me ever saying a word on what I want.

"The finest souls are those who gulped pain and avoided making others taste it."