Midnight Wanders

It's been a while since I make a visit to this blog. Truth to be told, I only get in here when I'm having an emotional feeling. I was really confused about things, about my job to be exact. I'm in a phase where I don't want it anymore but I need it to survive. One thing lead to another and now I'm a little bit more okay with it and how things are going. But today one of my closest friend in the office told me she's going to another place. Some place where the rainbow hits the ground. I'm happy for her because she found what she's looking for but at the same time I feel so sad because I don't have anyone that have the same dream with me again. I'm sad because I've never met a person that pays attention as much as her when I talk. I've never met a person that has the same energy and ambition to raise to the top while jugling a lot of other things in between, or at least that shows the weak side of it because everyone just seems so strong. ...

I've kind of overcoming my insecurities of being afraid to be judged, about being nervous on talking to people, on being afraid to have friends. I kind of being good at not giving a crap and suddenly things got better. But as every major point of my life, when something feel like its going up hill, I should get ready for the heavy down fall that will follow. Usualy the down fall would just be me crying to my boyfriend and tell him how I feel worthless. But this time I'm afraid I will have some emptiness. I can feel it waiting for me right around the corner. After every social event or even small social interaction I'm feeling something's missing. I didn't left any of my things behind yet I feel something is missing. I'm afraid to fill that emptiness I might do something crazy. Something inhumane. Something merciless. I'm getting so afraid because my brain starts to think that it's something I can be okay with. I don't know. Maybe I just need...

Sumpah ini lagi random banget dan harusnya ngetik 300 kata buat advertorial di blog sebelah, tapi malah kepengen curhat disini. Sebenernya gue udah lumayan lama memikirkan hal ini dan sempat beropini ke sesama teman blogger juga, yaitu topik mengenai haters. Banyak kan instaceleb dan blogger-blogger eksis yang bete banget sama haternya dan marah-marah karena mereka sering banget difitnah dan dikata-katain. Tapi gue bingung, kenapa mereka mesti marah? Buat gue, punya haters itu cita-cita, karena haters biasanya nongol kalo ada orang yang sukses dan berhasil dalam bidang yang dijalaninya. Kalo gue punya haters, gue akan embrace kehadiran mereka di tengah kesuksesan gue. Bakal gue kasih makanan yang mereka suka untuk ngebash gue. Semakin mereka kejam, semakin gue akan bersikap manis ke mereka because there's nothing sweeter than a a sweet sweet revenge. Lu sadar gak sih kalo kita baik ke orang yang jahat ama kita, lama-lama itu orang akan gak enak sendiri ke kita. Ya seengganya k...

Udah lama gak begadang. Udah lama juga gak main-main ke blog ini. Seperti biasa gue nulis disini dalam kegelapan dengan sumber cahaya cuma dari layar hape aja. Gue tadinya cuma pengen ganti theme di blog ini karena iseng. Sekalian ngeliat hasil theme baru, gue baca lagi post lalu-lalu yang ada disini. Hal-hal yang gue tulis disini semua membangkitkan emosi tertentu, ada seneng, sedih, galau, hepi, gugup. Soalnya tiap kali gue nulis disini pasti lagi ada sesuatu yang pengen banget gue ceritain tapi gatau bisa cerita ke siapa. Tapi kali ini beda karena bener-bener pengen say hi aja. (Tanda positif kalo lu introvert adalah saat benda mati virtual bisa bikin lu kangen berat). Mau cerita apa ya disini.. Hidup lagi datar-datar aja. Current mood ada sedihnya, ada hepinya, ada bingungnya, ada stressnya, dan ada maagnya. Ada sedikit rasa gamang dan curiga yang dipicu oleh kekosongan. Terasa ada sedikit yang hilang meskipun gue gatau itu apa. Ada perasaan yang dulu pernah dirasakan di saat-saa...

I spent my time so much on thinking. My mind seems to love to just wander around in its own world. Wandering what have happen and what might not happen. It likes to seek answers for question it asks it self, not to others but to it self again. And sometimes those unanswerable questions, together with so many what ifs just sent me off to sudden headache. The next thing I hate after my monthly cramps. After jumping on so many unimportant subject, in one quiet night, I came up with a realization for things I just got blinded for quite a long time. After those quick awakening, I then made some resolutions for my self to be a better me. According to me. Realization: 1. I've been a bitch To everyone around me, especially my closest one. I guess it has something to do with my rapidly decreasing confident level. I take my work as a serious business. I take pride for what I do. All these barrier that blocking my way on doing things makes my confidence lay down low and I just fee...

I always love to drive at night. There's something feels so peaceful while doing it. I guess it's for the fact that the darkness kinda hide my self more from other people's eye. I find that darkness always brings the true me out. My muscles seems more relaxed. My anxiety suddenly dissapear and gone with the wind.  I'm the kind of people who likes to act based on people around me. This is how I cope with my social anxiety but another problem appears when I met different group of people that I treat differently. Now that's another problem.  After quite a moment on my long way home today, I realized that darkness is letting us to spot and highlight truly what we want to show. Like all those wispy christmas lights on december, or that spotlight for all of the great angel statues on rose gardens, or maybe just the way we put lamps on our porch close to the door so anyone knows where to enter. That's it. That's why I love darkness so much. I like ...

Tiba-tiba kangen suasana bengong di rumah sambil liat keluar jendele ke langit yang berawan. Kangen waktu pulang kuliah dan gak ada kerjaan kemdian bengong-bengong gak jelas. Kangen DVD marathon Grey's Anatomy sama American Horror Story. Kangen waktu awal jadian. Manis-manisnya, gemes-gemesnya, kangen-kangennya. :3 Kangen jalan-jalan ke kota kecil yang tenang dan lambat lajunya. Kangen