A Three Quarter Year Resolution & Realization

I spent my time so much on thinking. My mind seems to love to just wander around in its own world. Wandering what have happen and what might not happen. It likes to seek answers for question it asks it self, not to others but to it self again. And sometimes those unanswerable questions, together with so many what ifs just sent me off to sudden headache. The next thing I hate after my monthly cramps. After jumping on so many unimportant subject, in one quiet night, I came up with a realization for things I just got blinded for quite a long time. After those quick awakening, I then made some resolutions for my self to be a better me. According to me.

Realization:

1. I've been a bitch

To everyone around me, especially my closest one. I guess it has something to do with my rapidly decreasing confident level. I take my work as a serious business. I take pride for what I do. All these barrier that blocking my way on doing things makes my confidence lay down low and I just feel worthless. I don't feel I'm worthy so I ditch everyone that just trying to be nice with me. I don't feel I'm worthy enough for their time. I'm nothing, therefore no one should talk to me or even look at me. But the fact is, nobody really cares about what I do. They don't even really know what I've been doing. For them I'm completely the same but grumpier and meaner for reasons they don't really know. 

2. I blame people for my own fault

I'm so chickened out for getting something wrong. For anything that went wrong in my life, I blame others. I always find a reason to make me the right one. Well, it's normal, I guess? People always protect themselves before others. But I just feel like I have to hide in order to protect my self, so people won't find out about my self. And I don't like that. I like to just be free and careless, living life day by day, filled with things and people I love.

Resolution:

1. Understand that confidence is in my self not what I do & what I have

As I watched in the latest Essie Button video about how she decluttered her house by getting rid of things that she didn't really use, including her makeup (!) has been an enlightening experience. She talked about how by doing that she feels free and happy again. I love how she looks that she feels really happy and light. I want to be like that, too. Why am I making this as a resolution is because I still can get rid of everything I didn't use. I'm a hoarder and I like to hoard things. I feel like all my posession is giving me a definition of who I am. Same thing with my work, I feel like by being busy and all that shit defines who I am. I feel like those things gave me a seal of approval of what I can and cannot do. I have to learn to understand that it's not and applied it on my daily life.

2. Be careless

I restrain my self so much of being my self. I always hate when I'm not in control or something that happen not like I want it. I think to much about how people think of me. I just want to be careless. I want to be free. I want to say things I want to say, I want to do things I want to do. Being normal is boring. Wanting to please people is also boring. One thing I know but I always seem to forget is the more I want to please people, the more people don't like it. But the more I do things for my self, the more people like and curious about what I did. So I want just to be me and my self. Getting my priorities straight and live life!

I think it's important to think about others, but I hate thinking too much, it makes me not doing anything. I just want a simple stupid life. Try not to be a smart-ass and just be me.